Even Environmentalists Have a Sense of Humor

Even Environmentalists Have a Sense of Humor

Even Environmentalists
Have a Sense of Humor

A sense of humor is essential to surviving the rigors of being an activist and fighting one of the oldest political machines in the U.S. Have you ever heard of the Ladies Against Women? I understand the group was formed to follow Phyllis Schaffly around at her speeches and ask her for her cookie and cake recipes. They have a way of poking fun at just about everyone. Ed.


by Daniel W. Van Riper, Jul./Aug. 91

Radical right-wing activists known as Ladies Against Women stormed the June 18th lasagna dinner at the Unitarian Church and insisted that they be allowed to give a presentation of their views before the crowd of 60+ in attendance. Brandishing signs reading "Pave the Pine Bush", and "The Only Bush Worth Saving Is George Bush", the Ladies put forth a series of proposals that they felt would greatly improve the Pine Bush.

"You want to save it? Then pave it", declared Mrs. Otto Schmaltz, clutching her purse and frowning mightily at the crowd. "That way you’ll always know where it is." Later on, Mrs. Schmaltz observed that those present looked "like a bunch of leftover 60’s hippies." "I can see some of you are on drugs, probably that crack cocaine. Your eyes go round and round."

Mrs. Bull Dozer (the former Miss Cinderella Needaman, now espoused to the noted developer of office parks and condominiums) complained that SPB lawsuits were interfering with her life-style. "If my husband can’t complete his project, he won’t be able to buy me any more endangered species fur coats." Mrs. Dozer wore a tasteful leopard skin jacket with matching pillbox hat.

The Ladies were absolutely appalled by the new SPB T-shirts that show animals that are not wearing clothes. They demonstrated how the problem of "naked animals" could be corrected by taping bits of paper over their suggestive bodies.

A most charming proposal by the ladies was to carve faces into the mountain of garbage towering over the Thruway near Exit 24, officially naming it Mount Trashmore. They suggested that the countenances of Albany Mayor Thomas Whalen, Governor Mario Cuomo, and DEC Commissioner Thomas Jorling were the best to be immortalized in trash. For a fourth face, they suggested Vice President Quayle…not because he has anything to do with despoiling the Pine Bush, but simply because "he looks so cute."

On the subject of preservation of the Karner Blue Butterfly, the venerable Mrs. Ima Airhead was presented as an expert on preserves. "Jams, jellies, every year I preserve ’em", she said. The best way to preserve butterflies, she believes, is to immerse them in alcohol. By way of illustration, she produced a quart bottle of Old Grandad that she guarded jealously.

After wresting the bottle away from Mrs. Airhead, Miss Muffy Mustang looked right smart in her official Girl Scout uniform as she gulped a healthy swig of booze and passed it to Mrs. Schmaltz. "Not while in uniform," snipped Mrs. Schmaltz, setting the bottle aside.

Scorn and ridicule were heaped upon Rezsin Adams by the Ladies.
Mrs. Donata Stigmata definately squeezed Rezsin’s goat when she loudly declared that "this so-called lasagna tastes like it was made by a WASP!"

Mrs. Schmaltz was just as relentless. "Can anyone in this room", she crowed, "recall ever seeing Mrs. Adams in anything besides a sweatshirt and stretchpants?" More than 60 shocked and horrified people gave no response. (Rezsin’s husband Ted was not present…otherwise he would have told off this Schmaltz woman for sure.)

As a final indignity, the Ladies stripped off Rezsin’s clothes right there in front of everybody and dressed her in a floral patterned skirt, a butterfly blouse, and a darling little hat. Satisfied, the Ladies marched off with Rezsin, searching perhaps for a more lady-like atmosphere.

During the confrontation, the Ladies forced all present to chant this awful little ditty:

The Karner Blues

Last night my hubby watched a TV show
about a terrible threat which has begun to grow
I asked him "honey would you tell me please
what’s the great big fuss over all these trees?"

He said "The plans for Crossgates II
are sailing off into the blue.
So forget about that Oriental rug,
on account of some endangered bug."

Oh, I’ve got the Karner Blues
from watching the six o’clock news
people putting a stall
to a great brand new mall
and I need Italian shoes

My husband works in real estate
and he slave like a whirling dervish.
So please help him put the whole Pine Bush
in the Multiple Listing Service.

Condos for the new elite
with a double yellow line right down the street.
Pink astroturf is a ladies’ dream-
the lint shows up and it’s easy to clean.

Oh, I’ve got the Karner Blues
from watching the six o’clock news
I want a plaster fawn
on my manicured lawn
Oh, I’ve got the Karner Blues

Now you may not agree with us
and think that this is a silly fuss
But we’ve come up with a little plan
to make the Pine Bush a paradise for man

A golf course in the middle so
our husbands will have a place to go.
The ladies will recline by a man-made lake
and hairspray the bushes so they stay in shape

Oh, I’ve got the Karner Blues
from watching the six o’clock news
environmental people stand in the way
of a little boutique from Faberge
Oh, I’ve got the Karner Blues

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