Devil Eats Developer – Massive Coverup Alleged

Devil Eats Developer

Massive Coverup Alleged

By Daniel Van Riper

The endangered Albany Pine Bush Devil, making it’s first reported
appearance since last April Fools, has attacked and eaten developer
Charlie Touhey, thus dramatically ending his stubborn and irrational
plans to destroy Pine Bush acreage at 300 Washington Ave. Extension.

The Albany Pine Bush Devil is a rare subspecies of the equally
rare Jersey Devil found in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. The Jersey
Devil, widely seen by thousands of people around the turn of the
century, has reportedly not been observed since the early 1950’s,
although reports of its tracks have been found up to the 1970’s. The
body is about the size and shape of a large German shepherd, the head
variously described as dog-like or horse-like, a long tail, hoofed
hindlegs on which it often stands, and large bat wings which are
quite functional.

According to unreliable sources, Mr. Touhey was walking around the
property with a fly swatter looking for Karner Blue Butterflies and
Buckmoths, when a loud hissing sound filled the air. Suddenly and
with great speed a Pine Bush Devil shot out of a clump of scrub oak
and landed on Mr. Touhey’s shoulders, tearing his head off faster
than he could cry out. Then, without seasoning or marinade, the
creature devoured every bit of Mr. Touhey except for his bad
intentions regarding the Pine Bush, which were so foul even the devil
couldn’t swallow them.

Residents of The Dunes development, who could not possibly be
identified, reported loud groaning and belching noises emanating from
the Pine Bush for the next three nights. Reports that Mr. Touhey is
alive and well and not eaten by an endangered animal are clearly part
of a massive coverup, and the Charlie Touhey seen daily by scores of
witnesses is certainly either a hologram or animated mannikin.
Without doubt this conspiracy to conceal his devourment is somehow
connected to Mr. Touhey’s recent political arrest by State Police for
the high crime of daring to hold up a banner while current Governor
Pataki was politicking. [True Fact! -ed.] Despite repeated phone
calls, the Albany Pine Bush Devil has refused to comment.


Printed 3/98

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